i'ma let you finish

i tuned in momentarily to the oscars last night, and watched a total of about four minutes.  i heard marky mark announce that there was a tie for the award he was presenting, assuring the crowd that this claim was "no b.s.".  the winners were dog the bounty hunter's wife and one of the nelson twins.

there is always a lot of fuss about this award ceremony. folks host oscar parties, place wagers on the outcome of certain categories, and even host live web chats.  i rarely have seen any of the films that are nominated and recognize even fewer of the nominees.  i am not smitten with the pageantry and rented jewelry that bedazzles this event.  am i missing something?  i was perplexed about this last night and began to wonder why we don't have a jazz equivalent (we don't, right?).

the red carpet ... would assorted media actually show up to this pre-game ceremony, or would the runway be bookended by a smattering of jazz enthusiasts that want the musicians to sign their burnt cds?  iPhone snaps would replace thousand-dollar camera lenses.  questions about "who are you wearing this evening" would be met with the awkward craning of the neck while pulling the back of the shirt out so you can read the tag.  the fashion leaders would probably be american apparel, levi strauss, adidas, and my dad's old cardigans.

the categories ... the old standbys like "best tribute album", "best jazz vocalist", and "best live performance" would rub shoulders with "most right notes in a row", "best comping behind a bass solo", "most clever cover of a pop tune", and "best use of alliteration in a song title".

the venue ... would this shindig take place in an old warehouse?  a relic high school gymnasium?  would they attempt to jam everybody into the vanguard and stick them with that two drink minimum?  would tea lights and origami centerpieces replace the crystal drink ware and linen tablecloths?  is there a way we can get free food at this thing?

the presenters ... are fellow musicians good options for passing out the hardware, or would a jilted jazzer be prone to pull a kanye west move?  should we hear from critics like nat hentoff and nate chinen, and dare we trust stanley crouch with a live microphone?  and who hosts this thing anyway?  it's gotta be somebody famous who actually gives a shit about this music, so that certainly narrows down the field.  i guess we're looking at clint eastwood, but i'm not sure anybody is ready to risk it with him nowadays.

and the speeches ... i can just imagine.  "thank you for transposing that part for me", "thanks to that one guy who forgave my bar tab", "shout out to those college kids that worked the merch table", "a special thanks to the guy with the extra extension cord", and "i couldn't have done it without the folks over at google maps".  i'm pretty sure that this whole event could be wrapped up in under an hour, providing nobody goes off on a philosophical rant.

and one thing is for certain - there is NO way the orchestra would be in a different building.  we don't go out like that.

corking the bat

back in grad school, i road-tripped with sonja to her home turf of mississippi.  i had met her folks once before after one of her recitals, but this would be the first opportunity for me to spend any amount of quality time with the potential in-laws.  they were very nice, hospitable, and made a genuine effort to get to know me.  her dad asked if i wanted to watch some tv (my sweet spot), so we plopped down in the living room and fired up the tube.  the first thing we watched?  back to back episodes of cheaters.  no joke.

there has been quite an uproar in the news recently regarding obama's second inauguration.  my ex-girlfriend beyonce is presumed to have lip-synced our national anthem.  which side of the argument holds the advantage?  she either mouths along with the track, acting like she is totally going for it - OR - she risks singing live and battles that goofy acoustical slapback, hoping everything goes well in a overexposed moment. sounds like a lose-lose proposition, ms. knowles.

do we like cheating?  we are quick to bronx cheer a live performance that goes sour.  baseball fans fell in love with sosa & mcgwire back in '98, but now the writers won't vote anyone from the steroid era into the hall of fame.  we praise the long ball and whitney houston's version of the national anthem, yet spew barbs of purism in the same breath.  should we insist that nothing be slight of hand yet still expect magic at every turn?  make up your judgmental minds, people.

the adage of "if you ain't cheating you ain't trying" crosses over into many disciplines.  in the recording studio, various takes of the same solo are scrutinized.  punches in & out of certain sections is common place.  fixing the pitch, adjusting the balance, modifying the tone, moving the attack, and building a solo like dr. frankenstein are all techniques used in production.  i remember once hitting a clam in a piano solo and then picking my jaw up off the floor as i watched the engineer find the note and move it up a 1/2 step.

i just finished mixing my jazz band's performance of the snarky puppy tune "binky".  i did some housecleaning - spruced up the solos, shined up the backgrounds, picked out the best guitar solo, borrowed the bass figure from later in the tune and pasted it into an earlier section, and stretched out the tambourine at the end.  should i have done this? sure. in fact, i think it's my responsibility.  i got the blessing of my students to throw on some scrubs and get surgical with the track.  it came off nicely and the kids are super proud.



when i read a blogpost, i assume that the author has proofread their writing and corrected any grammatical blips.  when i listen to something, i assume the artist has taken the care to go through their stuff with a fine-toothed comb.  is tweaking your own work acceptable?  you betcha.  have i chopped up and rebuilt my own recordings?  oh ... i'll never tell.